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It started with a cassette tape: TYSOOT EASER “4 Easy Ways” c40. It was supposed to teach easy ways to… well, nobody was sure. The instructions were vague, handwritten in permanent marker on the J-card. I inserted it into my ancient player and pressed play. Side A sounded like someone sneezing into a guitar. Side B sounded like someone sneezing into a drum set, and then someone yelling “Mars has moss!”
And that’s when I saw him. Tom Cruise. On Mars. Mountains of red dust stretching endlessly, and there he was, crouched, eating moss. Secret moss. Nobody knew, not even the NASA official who sent the probe, not even the Mars helicopter drones. Tom Cruise was gnawing quietly, intensely, because he was starring in a secret new version of Cast Away: Cast Away: Martian Moss Edition. He had a volleyball. The volleyball had a little helmet on it.
Meanwhile, I began noticing symptoms. Not me personally, but somehow as I watched Tom Cruise gnaw moss from a Martian mountain, I got chronic sinusitis through TV radiation or cosmic rays or something. Symptoms: thick, discolored mucus from the nose, known as a runny nose, mucus down the back of the throat, known as postnasal drip, blocked or stuffy nose, known as congestion. Congestion makes hard to breathe through nose. Pain, tenderness, swelling around eyes, cheeks, nose, forehead, redness and puffiness, like little Martian craters on my face. Reduced sense of smell and taste. Other symptoms: ear pain. Headache. Aching in teeth. Cough. Sore throat. Bad breath.
I watched Tom munch on moss for hours. He said nothing. The volleyball rolled downhill. I inserted Side B of the tape again. The tape said: “Four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss.” I realized the tape and Tom Cruise were connected. The moss was like chronic sinusitis. No wait, the moss caused sinusitis. Or maybe the sinusitis caused the moss.
Then he smiled at me. Not like normal smile. Like cosmic moss smile. He offered me some moss. I hesitated. Thick, green, slimy moss from mountains of Mars. I hesitated, I hesitated, I hesitated, I hesitated. My nose started dripping. Thick mucus, thick mucus, thick mucus, postnasal drip, blocked, stuffy, blocked, stuffy, blocked, stuffy, congestion, congestion, congestion. Pain in eyes. Pain in forehead. Pain in cheeks. Headache, headache, headache. Ear pain, ear pain, ear pain. Teeth ache, teeth ache, teeth ache. Sore throat, sore throat, sore throat. Bad breath, bad breath, bad breath, bad breath, bad breath, mossy bad breath, mossy bad breath, mossy bad breath.
The cassette repeated: “Four easy ways, four easy ways, four easy ways, four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss…” Side B spun again, faster. My head spun faster. Chronic sinusitis throbbing, sinusitis throbbing, blocked, stuffed, blocked, stuffed. Tom Cruise crouched, crouched, crouched, eating moss, eating moss, eating moss. The volleyball rolled and rolled and rolled, helmet bouncing, helmet bouncing, bouncing, bouncing.
I sneezed. Sneezed. Sneezed. Mucus flew. Thick green mucus, green thick mucus, postnasal drip, dripping drip drip. Eyes swollen, eyes swollen, eyes swollen, cheeks, forehead, nose, nose, forehead, cheeks, pain, pain, aching, aching. Headache, headache, headache, cough cough, cough cough, bad breath, bad breath, bad breath, mossy mossy mossy bad breath.
Tom Cruise looked at me. Moss in hand. Silence. Side B still spinning, still spinning, “four easy ways, four easy ways…” My face was red, puffed, stuffed, blocked, mucus, dripping, dripping, dripping, sinusitis, sinusitis, sinusitis. Volcano of nose, volcano of forehead, volcano of cheeks, volcano of ears, volcano of moss, volcano of chronic, chronic, chronic, chronic, chronic, chronic sinusitis, moss, moss, moss, moss, moss, moss, moss.
And somewhere in the distance, the cassette whispered, “Four easy ways, four easy ways, four easy ways, four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss…” and I realized I might be stuck here forever. Stuck here watching Tom Cruise eat moss. Stuck here with mucus. Stuck here with postnasal drip. Stuck here with chronic sinusitis, blocked, stuffy, congestion, pain, aching, headache, bad breath, mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy.
It began innocently enough. I inserted TYSOOT EASER “4 Easy Ways” c40 into my cassette player. Side A hummed, sneezed, whispered “Four easy ways…” Side B hummed louder, hissed, whispered “Four easy ways to eat moss…” and I looked outside.
Outside, mountains of Mars rose like red teeth. And there, crouched in secret, Tom Cruise ate moss. Moss he ate in silence. Moss he ate slowly. Moss he ate quietly. Mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy moss
It started with a cassette tape: TYSOOT EASER “4 Easy Ways” c40. It was supposed to teach easy ways to… well, nobody was sure. The instructions were vague, handwritten in permanent marker on the J-card. I inserted it into my ancient player and pressed play. Side A sounded like someone sneezing into a guitar. Side B sounded like someone sneezing into a drum set, and then someone yelling “Mars has moss!”
And that’s when I saw him. Tom Cruise. On Mars. Mountains of red dust stretching endlessly, and there he was, crouched, eating moss. Secret moss. Nobody knew, not even the NASA official who sent the probe, not even the Mars helicopter drones. Tom Cruise was gnawing quietly, intensely, because he was starring in a secret new version of Cast Away: Cast Away: Martian Moss Edition. He had a volleyball. The volleyball had a little helmet on it.
Meanwhile, I began noticing symptoms. Not me personally, but somehow as I watched Tom Cruise gnaw moss from a Martian mountain, I got chronic sinusitis through TV radiation or cosmic rays or something. Symptoms: thick, discolored mucus from the nose, known as a runny nose, mucus down the back of the throat, known as postnasal drip, blocked or stuffy nose, known as congestion. Congestion makes hard to breathe through nose. Pain, tenderness, swelling around eyes, cheeks, nose, forehead, redness and puffiness, like little Martian craters on my face. Reduced sense of smell and taste. Other symptoms: ear pain. Headache. Aching in teeth. Cough. Sore throat. Bad breath.
I watched Tom munch on moss for hours. He said nothing. The volleyball rolled downhill. I inserted Side B of the tape again. The tape said: “Four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss.” I realized the tape and Tom Cruise were connected. The moss was like chronic sinusitis. No wait, the moss caused sinusitis. Or maybe the sinusitis caused the moss.
Then he smiled at me. Not like normal smile. Like cosmic moss smile. He offered me some moss. I hesitated. Thick, green, slimy moss from mountains of Mars. I hesitated, I hesitated, I hesitated, I hesitated. My nose started dripping. Thick mucus, thick mucus, thick mucus, postnasal drip, blocked, stuffy, blocked, stuffy, blocked, stuffy, congestion, congestion, congestion. Pain in eyes. Pain in forehead. Pain in cheeks. Headache, headache, headache. Ear pain, ear pain, ear pain. Teeth ache, teeth ache, teeth ache. Sore throat, sore throat, sore throat. Bad breath, bad breath, bad breath, bad breath, bad breath, mossy bad breath, mossy bad breath, mossy bad breath.
The cassette repeated: “Four easy ways, four easy ways, four easy ways, four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss…” Side B spun again, faster. My head spun faster. Chronic sinusitis throbbing, sinusitis throbbing, blocked, stuffed, blocked, stuffed. Tom Cruise crouched, crouched, crouched, eating moss, eating moss, eating moss. The volleyball rolled and rolled and rolled, helmet bouncing, helmet bouncing, bouncing, bouncing.
I sneezed. Sneezed. Sneezed. Mucus flew. Thick green mucus, green thick mucus, postnasal drip, dripping drip drip. Eyes swollen, eyes swollen, eyes swollen, cheeks, forehead, nose, nose, forehead, cheeks, pain, pain, aching, aching. Headache, headache, headache, cough cough, cough cough, bad breath, bad breath, bad breath, mossy mossy mossy bad breath.
Tom Cruise looked at me. Moss in hand. Silence. Side B still spinning, still spinning, “four easy ways, four easy ways…” My face was red, puffed, stuffed, blocked, mucus, dripping, dripping, dripping, sinusitis, sinusitis, sinusitis. Volcano of nose, volcano of forehead, volcano of cheeks, volcano of ears, volcano of moss, volcano of chronic, chronic, chronic, chronic, chronic, chronic sinusitis, moss, moss, moss, moss, moss, moss, moss.
And somewhere in the distance, the cassette whispered, “Four easy ways, four easy ways, four easy ways, four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss, four easy ways to eat moss…” and I realized I might be stuck here forever. Stuck here watching Tom Cruise eat moss. Stuck here with mucus. Stuck here with postnasal drip. Stuck here with chronic sinusitis, blocked, stuffy, congestion, pain, aching, headache, bad breath, mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy.
Mossy edition of one. Unduplicated.