$25.00
THE LET MEN**
## **"A Time Test Hit" — C60**
### *The Ridiculous, Completely Incorrect, Probably Backward History of the Zoo That Ate Water, Time, and Its Own Encyclopedia*
**Recorded by the Seventh Keeper of the Door That Was Never Installed**
---
I must begin this history with an apology.
Not because it is wrong.
Wrong would be easier.
I apologize because it is correct in too many directions.
The zoo existed forward.
The zoo existed backward.
The zoo existed sideways on a Wednesday that nobody remembers because Wednesday remembers nobody.
The official name:
## THE LET ME
The unofficial name:
## "PLEASE DO NOT ASK THE ZOO WHAT YEAR IT IS BECAUSE THE ZOO WILL ASK YOU FIRST"
The founder was **THE LET ME**, a creature of uncertain classification.
The paperwork listed:
Animal: maybe.
Keeper: possibly.
Visitor: occasionally.
Problem: yes.
THE LET ME had one mission:
To create the world's first zoo where every exhibit was alive, confused, and slightly late.
---
## THE FIRST DAY THAT HAPPENED AFTER THE LAST DAY
The opening ceremony was held yesterday tomorrow.
The guests arrived before they were invited.
The ribbon was cut before it was attached.
The speech was delivered before anyone wrote it.
THE LET ME stood proudly beside the entrance and announced:
> "Welcome to history."
Then history replied:
> "I was already here."
Everyone clapped.
Nobody knew who started.
---
## THE LANGUAGE OF THE ZOO
The animals refused to speak ordinary language.
They claimed ordinary language was too straight.
The zoo required curves.
The first official zoo language was:
# VORRUK-TAI
Forward speech:
> **"Luma tek varrin osh."**
Backward speech:
> **"hso nirrav ket amuL."**
Meaning:
> "The water remembers the animals that drank yesterday."
Nobody knew if that was poetry or a warning.
It was both.
---
The monkeys invented another language:
# KRAKKA-MEL
Forward:
> **"Tokki vena raa."**
Backward:
> **"Aar anev ikkoT."**
Translation:
> "The banana has already eaten the monkey."
This caused several meetings.
The banana denied everything.
---
The fish used:
# SHUL-VARR
Forward:
> **"Nek olo tar mi."**
Backward:
> **"Im rat olo ken."**
Meaning:
> "Do not wake the bubbles."
This was considered excellent advice.
---
## THE WATER EXHIBIT
The greatest attraction was the lake.
Nobody knew where the water came from.
The lake claimed it came from the future.
The future claimed it came from the lake.
The fish refused to comment.
Inside the water lived millions of tiny organisms.
THE LET ME declared:
"I shall make the cleanest water in all possible timelines."
So THE LET ME entered the lake wearing ceremonial boots and consumed all the bacteria.
Every single one.
The bacteria were shocked.
The fish were impressed.
The scientists wrote:
"Need more information."
The lake became famous.
The sign read:
```text
THE GREAT WATER TANK
WATER QUALITY
Before:
################
After:
##########
After After:
??
THE LET ME:
################################
```
---
## THE $10,000 MICROSCOPE INCIDENT
The zoo had a bug problem.
Not a bad bug problem.
A historical bug problem.
Every insect claimed to be a different species depending on who was looking.
A beetle looked like a beetle.
Then looked like a button.
Then looked like a small angry chair.
The zoo announced:
> In some cases, you need to mail an actual specimen to someone with a $10,000 microscope to correctly identify the bug in question. We’d like to be packing that kind of equipment in our apartments, but sadly we don’t have that sort of stuff…yet.
THE LET ME immediately ordered one.
The microscope arrived.
The microscope examined THE LET ME.
The microscope requested a microscope.
The order was canceled.
---
The insect department created this chart:
```text
BUG IDENTIFICATION SUCCESS
Clear picture:
##########
Tiny blurry picture:
##
Bug wearing disguise:
#
Bug claiming to be furniture:
???????????????????
```
---
The zoo posted another announcement:
> We’re willing to take a look at any picture put in front of us, but we can’t always provide a proper ID. We don’t want to give the wrong information, so for infestation cases we usually recommend running a specimen by a urban pest specialist (called Urban IPM Extension Entomologists) working at a local university to confirm the ID. The National Pesticide Information Center, a collaboration between Oregon State and the EPA, has a really easy to use website which will help you find these sorts of local experts. The website can be found here, and we’d be more than happy to help you navigate it through email.
The insects applauded.
The spiders wrote a review.
The ants formed a committee to discuss the commas.
---
Then appeared the secret message.
Written upside down.
Written backward.
Written underwater.
Written in a language nobody invented yet.
# ENGLISH:
> Seriously…just ask us, and we’ll walk you through it anonymously. We’ll never mention your name in public. It’s what we’re here for.
# BACKWARD ZOO LANGUAGE:
> .rof ereh er'ew ti s'tI .cilbup ni eman ruoy noitnem reven ll'ew .ylemynona hguorht uoy klaw ll'ew dna su ksa tsuj...ylsuoireS
# VORRUK-TAI:
> **"Mek sha vorr tal enu. Naa sel tor."**
Translation:
> "A quiet question may open a hidden door."
---
## THE TIME TEST MACHINE
THE LET ME built a machine called:
# A TIME TEST HIT C60
It was not a time machine.
It did not move through time.
It tested whether time was working correctly.
Usually it was not.
The machine produced this graph:
```text
TIME BEHAVIOR
Normal Time
|----------------|
Zoo Time
|----<----->------|
THE LET ME Time
<================>
```
---
The machine spoke:
Forward:
> "The beginning follows the ending."
Backward:
> "gnidne eht swollof gninnigeb ehT."
Ancient zoo translation:
> **"Rav tek lum osh vekk."**
Meaning:
> "Everything arrives after it leaves."
---
## THE FINAL DAY THAT MAY HAVE HAPPENED
The zoo closed.
Then opened.
Then closed while open.
The animals marched in a parade.
The parade marched in reverse.
The crowd cheered tomorrow's applause yesterday.
THE LET ME stood at the gate.
The final sign changed every second.
First:
WELCOME
Then:
GOODBYE
Then:
WELCOME AGAIN
Then:
PLEASE DEFINE AGAIN
---
The last recorded message from the zoo keeper was:
> "I have spent my entire life protecting a place where nothing stays the same long enough to be protected."
Below it was written:
**Backward:**
> .detcetorp eb ot hguone gnol yas eht gnihton erehw ecalp a gnitcetorp efil ym eritne tneps evah I
**Zoo language:**
> **"Orr ven tal mek shuu varta."**
Meaning:
> "The strange place is still alive."
---
And so THE LET ME remains.
Somewhere between the first animal and the last visitor.
Somewhere between the lake and the sky.
Somewhere between a language spoken forward and a language remembered backward.
The zoo gate still opens.
Nobody enters.
Nobody leaves.
The sign simply says:
## THE LET MEN
### "A Time Test Hit" C60
Edition of 1, numbered.