$35.00
REVIEW: “The Incubator Plate” — A Restaurant Review Ruined by Chef TENSES MIXED (and Possibly Insect Reproductive Theory)
Originally intended for publication in “Culinary Wasp Quarterly,” but withheld due to confusion, disappointment, and light chitin inhalation.
I arrived at The Incubator Plate, a new conceptual eatery helmed by avant-garde chef TENSES MIXED, with an open mind and a stomach primed for bold ideas. I left four hours later hungry, weeping lightly, and somehow more familiar with insect embryology than I had any intention of becoming.
Upon entering, guests are handed a miniature sculpture shaped like an aphid’s reproductive tract and asked to whisper their favorite form of egg protection into a microphone suspended over a bubbling terrarium. At first, I assumed this was part of the ambiance. It was not. It was the appetizer.
Course One: “Chorion Crunch”
A single, translucent membrane presented on a white slab of audio tape labeled TENSES MIXED — s/t c90. It was described by the server as “a drought-resistant, maternal-tissue-forward amuse-bouche inspired by tsetse fly eggs.” It disintegrated on contact with my fork, which was made of sculpted resin and regret.
“The amnion arrives shortly,” the server said cryptically, vanishing in a cloud of misted vinegar and Latin taxonomy.
Course Two: “Ovoviviparous Surprise”
A warm pouch was handed to me and began vibrating. Inside, an “egg” burst open to reveal a lukewarm mousse described as “gestationally emergent.” I was told it represented Diploptera, a cockroach genus known for viviparous birth. The mousse was underseasoned, yet oddly accusatory.
Intermission: The Lecture
Chef TENSES MIXED, wearing a shellacked thorax and shouting in present-perfect-past-future tense, climbed onto a counter and screamed:
“THE EMBRYO HAS DEVELOPED. THE CUTICLE WILL HAVE SECRETED. THE AMNION IS YOU!”
A toddler cried. A woman fainted. A wine glass hatched a smaller wine glass.
Final Course: “The Desiccation Plate”
A dried smear of something chitinous, served atop a cassette case, with a side of “serosa mist.” When asked if the plate was safe to eat, the waiter replied:
“Some insects are aphids. Others… are tape loop enthusiasts.”
I nodded as if this made sense.
Verdict:
The conceptual ambition of The Incubator Plate is impressive. The execution, however, was confusing, uncomfortable, and at one point possibly parasitic. Chef TENSES MIXED may be a genius. Or a threat. Or an egg.
⭐☆☆☆☆ (1 out of 5 stars)
Only recommended for entomologists with a death wish and a high tolerance for misused tenses.
Edition of 1, unduplicated.