$25.00
# RED ALL "No Limit" C90 But Everything Keeps Going Sideways
This story starts near the end except it doesn't because Pluto is too cold for endings and beginnings got mixed together in a bucket. RED ALL was not really a person exactly but also maybe it was a light year with a name tag taped on it saying **RED ALL** in permanent marker. Everyone agreed that was normal except nobody actually agreed because they forgot what the meeting was about halfway through.
Then there was this other thing called **"No Limit" C90** which looked like a microwave with stars glued on it. Scientists said it was impossible. Mechanics said it needed oil. Poets said it was lonely. The machine itself only made a noise like
> brrrrrrrrrrrp... bonk... brrrrrr.
which is probably important later maybe.
Meanwhile two people on Pluto somehow fell in love. Every conversation lasted six Thursdays and every kiss immediately froze into shiny crystals that floated away like tiny comets. They laughed because gravity was optional every other paragraph.
The whole point of the relationship was trying to shorten one light year named RED ALL. Nobody explained why. They just measured it over and over.
First measurement:
```
LIGHT YEAR
|------------------------------|
Still very long.
```
Second measurement:
```
LIGHT YEAR
|---------------------------|
Maybe shorter?
```
Third measurement:
```
LIGHT YEAR
|--------------------------|
Nobody remembered where the missing part went.
```
However, even though we’re a blog dedicated to talking about insect biology—and normally don’t shy away from insect/human interactions—we’re really reluctant to deal with this topic. So we wanted to further explain why we’re so reluctant to deal with the subject of infestations. We also wanted to give people some pointers about what to do in order to find help with infestations, as well as give some very general tips about how to handle bugs in their house.
Nobody knew why that paragraph floated through space. Someone suggested Pluto had internet reception from Earth. Someone else blamed C90. A third person thought the paragraph simply wanted to be in the story because stories have doors and paragraphs sometimes walk through them.
Then bugs showed up.
Not space bugs exactly.
Regular bugs.
Which was weird because Pluto is mostly frozen and insects generally have a difficult time paying rent there.
One ant carried a tiny flag.
A roach became mayor.
A beetle claimed ownership of Tuesday.
The lovers ignored all this because they were arguing whether a light year could be folded into a backpack.
Somebody drew a graph on a frozen rock.
```
LOVE
10 | X
9 |
8 | X
7 |
6 | X
5 |
4 | X
3 |
2 | X
1 |
-------------------------
Very Cold ---> More Cold
```
Nobody understood the graph because the horizontal axis measured coldness while the vertical axis measured feelings and there was no explanation.
Later another graph appeared.
```
BUGS
ANTS #######
ROACHES ###
BEETLES ##########
SPIDERS #
THING??? ######################
```
Everyone agreed this was scientific enough.
RED ALL kept getting shorter according to absolutely terrible measurements involving string, soup spoons, and one confused penguin that definitely should not have been on Pluto.
"No Limit" C90 continued making alarming noises.
```
STATUS OF MACHINE
[##########] Probably Fine
Actual condition:
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
```
Hours later, or maybe three centuries earlier because the timeline refused to cooperate, the lovers discovered that shortening a light year wasn't about making space smaller. It was about making waiting feel shorter.
Unfortunately they immediately forgot this important lesson because a beetle interrupted with tax paperwork.
Someone made one final chart.
At the very end, which may secretly be page three, RED ALL was almost sort of maybe a little shorter than before, the bugs held another town meeting, the frozen kisses glittered over Pluto like misplaced constellations, and "No Limit" C90 proudly declared success despite nobody being able to explain what it had actually accomplished.
This concludes the story unless it accidentally continues tomorrow, which has happened before.
Completely unreliable Pluto measurements
Imaginary values collected by equally imaginary researchers.
category value
Love 9
Cold 10
Bug confusion 8
Light-year shortened 2
Machine noises 10
Edition of 1, numbered.