$25.00
[CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT]
UNESCO / WORLD HERITAGE CRISIS DIVISION
Filed: 07.07.77 — Restricted Distribution Only
Subject: EQUIL UNRISE Artifact, Egypt (Layer: 2,000,000 BC)
Executive Summary:
The object known as EQUIL UNRISE s/t c90 (edition of 1) was recovered in 1977 from a desert excavation zone near Luxor. Though dated to 2,000,000 BC, its composition (magnetic tape, plastic shell, inked J-card) is indistinguishable from late 20th century cassette production. Its presence constitutes an impossible object.
Initial analysis triggered mass sinusitis outbreaks among research personnel. Symptoms: nasal blockage, mucosal swelling, violent sneezing of butter-like clots. Those exposed reported auditory hallucinations of “butter as bullets” and visions of Egypt under a sun that unrose daily.
Incident Log (Abbreviated):
DAY 1: Four archaeologists report mild congestion after opening the cassette’s butter-sealed casing.
DAY 2: One technician collapses during playback. CT scan reveals sinuses reshaped into magnetic spools.
DAY 4: Butter exudes spontaneously from ventilation shafts in the Cairo holding facility.
DAY 6: Voice recorded in multiple languages over facility intercom:
“To breathe is to lose the war. To clog is to live forever.”
DAY 10: Entire staff evacuated. Facility sealed with lead.
Transcript Excerpt (Recovered from Cassette Playback):
"Les sinus sont des chambres… Die Nasenhöhle ist ein Grab… 鼻は戦場だ… The nose is the tomb. The nose is the weapon. The nose is the war.”
Each phrase is followed by a sustained drone and the unmistakable churn of butter being whipped.
Suppression Directive:
The EQUIL UNRISE cassette is not to be exhibited or archived publicly.
All knowledge of butter-based warfare in proto-Egypt must be redacted from official history.
The phrase Cross Over Brain (believed to be an associated cult or sequel artifact) is flagged as HIGH RISK.
Any individuals claiming auditory contact with “Side B” are to be quarantined.
Closing Note:
UNESCO concludes that EQUIL UNRISE is not music, not artifact, not media. It is a contagion in the form of format. The cassette has already crossed from archaeology into biology.
The final typed line, added in an unregistered hand:
“Edition of 1 "