$45.00
## **DAVE ILLIAMS — “The Salonian”**
**3c90 + insert box set (EXPANDED / CONTAMINATED EDITION)**
*Now with marginal sabotage and commercial interference*
---
## ✎ HANDWRITTEN NOTES FROM **“L.M.”** (IDENTITY UNCERTAIN)
*(Different pen. Softer pressure. Loops instead of blocks.)*
### On the inside front cover, beneath Dave’s slogan:
> **IF THE WORLD WAS ROUND, WHY DOES MY DOG ITCH?**
L.M. writes, sideways:
> *Maybe the dog itches because the dog is alive.*
Underlined twice.
Once crossed out.
Written again smaller.
---
## MEETING 1 — L.M. INTERVENES
Dave’s note (original):
> **Allergic skin disease causes itchy skin and rashes.**
L.M. adds in the margin:
> *“Causes” isn’t the same as “conspires.”*
> *Also: have you tried rinsing the paws after walks?*
Dave draws a box around *paws* and writes **DISTRACTION**.
---
### INSERT AD #1 (LOOSE, FALLS OUT EASILY)
**✨ FLATPAW™ DOG BOOTIES ✨**
> Because if the Earth won’t curve, neither should allergens.
* Scientifically unproven
* Emotionally reassuring
* Available in TRUTH BLACK
*Fine print:*
*Does not prevent itching, thinking, or reality.*
---
## MEETING 2 — FOOD LIES (ANNOTATED)
Dave:
> Food allergies often cause a rash and itchy skin.
L.M. writes:
> *Often ≠ Always*
> *Jerky ≠ evidence*
A small doodle of a dog bowl labeled:
**“NOT A GLOBE”**
---
### INSERT AD #2 (FULL-COLOR, WRONG PAPER)
**SALONIAN SUPREME KIBBLE**
*Formulated on a FLAT SURFACE*
* No grains
* No curves
* No peer review
**Slogan:**
> *If it rolls, don’t feed it.*
Coupon expires yesterday.
---
## MEETING 3 — EMERGENCY PAGE (HEAVILY MARKED)
Printed text:
> **Severe allergic reactions can cause hives, rashes and swellings anywhere on the body.
> Contact your vet ASAP — this is an emergency.**
Dave circled *emergency*.
L.M. writes underneath, pressing hard:
> *This part is not a metaphor.*
> *This part is not about the Earth.*
There’s a smear here.
Possibly tears.
Possibly grease from the fake ads.
---
### INSERT AD #3 (TINY, TASTEFUL, SINISTER)
**CONE OF CERTAINTY™**
*Elizabethan collars for dogs who ask too many questions.*
> “They can’t lick.
> They can’t doubt.”
Available in:
* Authority White
* Vet Waiting Room Gray
---
## MEETING 4 — SKIN INFECTIONS (DISSENT GROWS)
Dave’s list:
* Bacterial infections → red, inflamed circular patches
* Smell: pungent
L.M. circles *smell* and writes:
> *You know flat things can rot too, right?*
Dave draws an arrow from *rot* to *propaganda*.
---
### INSERT AD #4 (STAPLED IN BACKWARDS)
**ANTI-YEAST SPRAY (NOT FOR BREAD)**
> Tired of sour smells?
> Sick of greasy coats?
So are we.
*Disclaimer:*
*May not stop yeast.
May stop conversation.*
---
## MEETING 6 — HOT SPOTS (ARGUMENT ESCALATES)
Printed:
> Hot spots appear quickly and cause smelly, weepy, itchy skin.
Dave writes:
**SUDDEN = ARTIFICIAL**
L.M. writes beneath:
> *Quick doesn’t mean fake.*
> *Sometimes things just hurt fast.*
Someone (unknown hand) draws a small heart with a crack in it.
---
### INSERT AD #5 (LAST PAGE, TORN)
**THE SALONIAN LEVEL™**
A bubble level for tables, floors, and beliefs.
> *Works best when ignored.*
---
## FINAL PAGE — L.M.’S LAST NOTE
Dave’s handwriting fades here.
L.M. takes over the page entirely:
> *I came for the meeting.*
> *I stayed for the dog.*
> *The dog got better when we stopped arguing and went to the vet.*
>
> *You can believe the Earth is flat.*
> *Just don’t flatten the evidence.*
Dog hair taped to the page.
Not symbolic.
Just there.
---
## BOX SET BACK PANEL (STICKER ADDED LATE)
**WARNING:**
This product contains:
* Speculation
* Allergens
* Bacteria
* Opinions
* At least one correct phone number (the vet)
Edition of 1